New week, new me...

Well just to update anyone who looks at this I am starting my week off on a good note. I decided yesterday that I would start brand new. I got my DNC done on Wednesday and that hurt really bad when I woke up after surgery. The surgery itself only took 30 minutes but we were at the hospital for 5 1/2 hours! Made for a long day but I had the best company in the world-my husband. He was so good afterwards and to this day. Since the last post we have talked about everything. I knew before I married him that he was quiet and I love him for that-he has to balance me somehow! The nurse and doctor failed to tell me everything that would happen to my body in the days following the procedure. I was getting by just fine until Sunday(yesterday). I woke up and I had terrible cramps which didn't seem too out of the ordinary since I was having them since wednesday. So I took 2 IBprofen 600-it seems like a lot but I was in major pain. I woke up at 7:30 and Pat didn't wake up until 9 by the time he woke up I was in even more pain buckled over on the floor. I felt like I was dying. I will spare the details about what followed during the next 3 hours and through out the day but I will say it was horrible. I have never felt the kind of pain as I did yesterday. I've come to terms that this just randomly happens to people. I know that if Pat and I are supposed to have kids we will one day. And if carrying kids isn't in my future then we will adopt. Or maybe I can talk one of my sisters or sister in law into carrying a baby for us-just kidding! I know that I am getting better because now I can talk about it without crying-don't get me wrong I'm still upset by it but I am dealing with it better. And for everyone that was there for me or to those that sent emails-THANK-YOU it meant soooo much to me. Thank-you for not pushing me to talk about it and letting me come to you when I was ready. So new week new me-so far so good!

Empty

So I need a release and I don't want to burden anyone with my problems so I'm just going to write them down and vent this way. I have a ton of really great family and friends but I just don't want them to feel awkward and not know what to say so here goes. On April 26th Pat and I found out we were pregnant and were super excited. We didn't tell anyone for 4 weeks and when we told we only told family. Well we had our 10 week appointment this past friday that we were both eagerly waiting. We were told we would hear the heartbeat and get blood work drawn. Well she tried to get the heartbeat from a hand held machine and could not find it. She thought that it was because my pelvis is tilted backwards so she sent us to ultrasound and the lady in there wasn't very pleasant. She couldn't find the heartbeat then found the baby and then asked me if I was sure about how far along I was. Helloo I'm 1000% positive of how far along we are. She thought we looked more like we were 6 weeks and not 10 weeks. She then did a few more things and told us she had to get with the midwife and she would be back to get us. Well she was back 5 minutes later and took us to see our midwife-meanwhile I'm upset because there is no way i'm only 6 weeks. While we were walking she asked me if I was ok. That should have sent off a red light but I wasn't thinking about that. We got into the room and the midwife came in with the worst look on her face and that's when I knew, we lost the baby. She said we were deffinatley pregnant at one time and then preceeded to say this was a form of a miscarriage and she did not know why it happened but it just does sometimes. I was/am devasted. I was so excited and ready to be a mom. The thing I hate the most about all of this is telling everyone I'm not pregnant anymore when they ask. I feel empty and alone. I know I have people that are there for me but nothing they can say makes this feeling go away. I wanted this so badly and to have it ripped away from me is a horrible feeling. I keep thinking what did I do to deserve this? What could I have done to prevent this? Am I being punished for something? You see all these girls out there having babies that don't want them and when someone actually does want one they can't. It just doesnt make any sense to me. I know that I can try again in a few months but it's not the same. I have to go back to that crummy office tomorrow and get everything scraped out of me so I can go back to normal since by body still thinks it's pregnant. THIS SUCKS. All i want to do is cry. I have a great husband but he seems to be taking this like any other day- it's not affecting him at all. He doesn't talk about it and when I try to it's like pulling teeth trying to get anything out of him. I guess I just expected something different from him. I want to know when I will go back to feeling like normal and If I ever will? Because right now nothing can help me.

She loves it!!

Evelyn absolutly loves being in the water. Janelle has taken her swimming twice now and can't get her out of the pool! Last year she hated it!
I'm sure this is only 1 of about a million posts I will make this year of us being at or in the pool.